if you don't open the door right now liz is going to get pregnant
how ive managed to spend 100$ at an open bar is beyond me.
I made her dinner: Beefaroni with grated parmesan cheese on top. Luckily she showed up drunk and gave me head, "For spending so much time preparing."
my grandma just put on bowling shoes, to play wii bowling.
I could've eaten a live cat and wouldn't remember it today. That level of drunk.
"Shots" of grape juice. I fucking hate Utah soooo fucking much.
It was like being fucked by the god of thunder, he gained power from the storm. I took a Plan B because I don't think regular birth control will stop Thor's sperm.
If anyone wants to ring in the new year with gluttony and yoga pants, let me know. As soon as it becomes a socially acceptable hour to drink margaritas, I'm gonna go down on a chimichanga.
Thats alot of pressure.
Just on your vagina. BTW I'm passing your house.
It's 3 am and I'm buying cat food and batteries for my vibrator. Good thing I shaved my legs for this.
I told him to send me a dick snap for my birthday. To personalize it, he drew a candle coming out of the tip of it so I could blow it out.
just so you know. the medical term for period cramps is mettelschmerz.
glad to know something that causes such misery in my life has such a laughable name.
sam was dropping a deuce next to me. wrote me a note that said "glad we shared this experience." passed it under the wrong stall. the other guy picked it up. that's all I know so far.
don't worry dude i have your phone, text me when youre gonna come get it
I think it’s appropriate to celebrate the start of mother’s day at the bar with the men that almost made me a mother
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