You were so drunk last night you thought you force pushed the automatic door open.
so just incase I die tonight I'm making a list of people that I don't want to be let in to my funeral
I know I said that I'd stop dating 20 year olds... but at least this one's not my student...
im just glad that if you were going to have awkward hospital sex, you would want it with me
Somehow after we left in 3 different cars to all go to different places we still all ended up in the emergency room
Dude this breakup has officially hit rock bottom. sitting around watching women's NCAA basketball instead of going out
There's a mouse. In the house. By the cans. With some pans. Release the cat. To eat his hat. Sorry about the mess. Of my breakfest.
No but seriously, there's a fucking mouse in the house by the beer cans
I AM OVERLY HIGH AND OVERLY AWARE OF MY TONGUE IN MY MOUTH
maybe her throwing up on me was a foreshadowing of how she would later metaphorically throw up on my life
We were debating whether you had hooked up with him. I was right for the record.
I think my body is a cloud. This mixture of things is heavenly. Dare was wrong, drugs are awesome.
You can trust me. I'm unemployed and not wearing pants.
I haven't been single on my birthday for 7 years. If you don't get me laid tonight, your best friend/wing woman status will be revoked.
Fuck my life he IS a stripper, Ive been sleeping with a stripper named Phoenix. damnit, I knew the sex was too good
hurry there's a jack Daniels slip n slide and clothes are coming off faster than I can even comprehend oh thank god for autocorrect
Randomize
