The bridesmaids just went smackdown on the floor, over the bouquet. I saw nipple. Best wedding ever
What would you have done with a 40 foot neon parrot anyway?
Nothing says I have a hang over like telling your boss to "eat your shit"
Is it bad that John just came to my work to have sex with me bc I felt bad that he slept on his porch last night locked out and I missed all his calls?
I like to think of them as justice herpes. She cheats on me and gets more than she bargained for.
Why do i even want him? It's like his dick is a trophy and I need to put it on my wall of shame.
I hope your lack of response means you're banging, not talking about her purity ring.
Do something fun then. Blow up the house or whatever.
How have you survived this long?
Dumb luck and a deal with the devil.
Just saw a girl duct tape a cigarette back together..I feel like my life is shambles for being present for this
I gave him shit for taking my sloppy seconds and when I woke up my eyebrow was gone
After getting all 4 of my wisdom teeth removed I asked my dentist how much better would I be at head
I DMed the cop that arrested me to come unlock my keys out if my car today
i survived drinking for 24 hours, an 8 ball of cocaine and a threesome. I think you can handle moving.
i need to get crying drunk at the bar more often. i end up going home with guys who have big penises. its like God is saying "there, there, this will cheer you up".
I've been on the cocaine and semen diet for the last 24 hours, lunch sounds great.
Randomize
