oh, also, we're locked out of the house and we're going to have to take shelter with the hot, poss single, dad next door. i hope this turns into a porno
A disheveled girl in front of me just looked down, shrieked, and yelled to the girl next to her "what is this" while pointing at two large white stains near the crotch of her black jeans. I love that Thursdays are weekends, it makes awesome Friday mornings
It was the gentlest way I could hit on a girl who just got hit by a car
we're about an hour out, how's the weather?
cloudy with a chance of strippers and cocaine, you're favorite. welcome home.
I just Tebowed the shit out of her.
Nice and you can't use "Tebow" in the place of every verb.
I got a dollar bill stuffed into my bra on two separate occasions by two separate guys simply for having boobs. I feel like somewhere god is patting himself on te back while pointing at me goin "you're welcome dude." easiest two bucks I ever made.
I danced on the street to dubstep on a boombox for an hour with a lesbian single mother.
Drinking Fireball means never having to say you're sorry. Unless its at you're arraignment.
Just got a message from a drag queen on okcupid. I cant even catfish successfully.
Learn from my mistakes, you naive soul: Gay love triangles are just as dangerous as straight love triangles.
he told me he didn't like my name so he was going to call me Casey instead
We were right in the middle of sex and all of a sudden his kids toy story action figure starts talking "I think the word your searching for is Space Ranger." A literal Buzz kill. It was equally creepy and hilarious.
I'm SO high. And there is so much pudding in this car
I hear my roommate snoring and I feel bad for his girlfriend but then I hear them having sex and I guess it all works out in the end.
all i remember is arguing with the chick that yahoo was better than google
all you were doing was yelling YAHOOOOO in her face
so i won
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