listen. just hotwire a car, take off the license plate, make up a new one on a sheet of paper and go the speed limit. i do it like, at least 3x a week.
just when i thought things couldnt get worse, the batteries died in my vibrator.
I saw an Asian dude carrying a patchwork denim purse get into a car with two rednecks at the grocery store tonight. Imagine what I could have seen if I had actually done something interesting.
We're playing Edward Bottle-of-eight-dollar-sale-wine-hands now
Just watched a fat girl on a scooter run into the back of a bus head first
You are the luckiest man alive
the size of his penis is telling me NOOO! but his bank account is telling me YESSS!
Do you think that my Facebook profile picture kinda look like im being raped by a 10 foot polar bear ?
i want to pour hot gravy all over you in bed
He started going down on me while we were watching Land Before Time.
Incredible.
Idk I've been drinking all day and they're having me blow shit up. Like dont let the drunk chick play with fire and explosives. Common sense 101. I will fuck something up
Going to put that on my resume. "Only accidentally snapchatted my titties to all of my friends once."
It's all fun and games until your in the alumni campus center puking on the floor
I swear it’s like he’s filling my soul via my vagina
It went from a "chill game of beer pong" to "absinthe body shots and a tits parade" in literally two minutes.
Told you inviting her was a good idea.
I'm at the drive thru window, five minutes out. If the bathtub is empty or you're dressed when I arrive I'm not sharing.
Randomize
