You stayed up for three hours wasted, feeding my rabbit 2 1/2 boxes of girl scout cookies.
he walked in on you at the party drunkenly dancing alone on the bed wearing mardi gras beads, sunglasses, and using one ski pole as a microphone.... and you STILL got laid. i dont get your life.
Every single piece. I examined every single square inch of this peanut butter and jelly sandwich. and fell in love with every inch. that high.
What is the protocol for an "i'm sorry I had my ex retrieve me from the bar so I didn't drive drunk" blow job
You need a Jiminy Cricket, but for sexual decisions.
someone to text and fuck? since when does that constitute a relationship?
since 2006
Here's a tip. Don't party with someone that needs sexual attention. Drinking and sexual attention don't mesh well in the morning. Especially over a bowl of Cheerios.
I distinctly remember calling the anesthesiologist a "sneaky little bastard" directly to his face
I don't feel bad about fucking old guys. That's what I want. It's what I likeeeeee.
Don't worry, the house smells like waffles more than sex
I'm disgusted with myself. Who goes down on their Uber driver? This asshole
I hope no one at work can tell or smell that I have tequila in my hair and I haven't showered for days
andy told me i got kicked out of the bar and was so drunk i forgot and got back in line. the bouncer was zero impressed
Hey this is your roommate. You know the one that let you have sex with her while you called out your exs name and cried?
I have no recollection of that. You must have the wrong number. P.s. your thongs still on the ceiling fan.
Mom says you're allowed to come home if you replace the towels. I don't want to know why.
Randomize
