I was scared of Debbie's boobs today. They were all huge and scary looking
Wtf am i supposed to tell my kids when they ask about my first time? "Mommy got drunk off her ass and fucked a total stranger in another stranger's bedroom, then got abandoned by the selfish prick and walk of shamed to the nearest gas station to call a cab, but ended up passed out in a park in a pool of her own puke."
At least mommy was smart enough to use protection and hack into the asshole's facebook account.
Well of course. Mommy may be a slutty drunk but she ain't no idiot.
you'd be confused too if you woke up to pictures of a ghostbuster doing body shots off you.
had a convo with my professor before class while peeing... new level of awkward or a breakthrough in our relationship? i feel like there is no longer a professional boundary.
You pulled the fire alarm because you had to shit and there was someone in the bathroom. you said you needed privacy
I meant to tell you earlier: bad life decision saturday has been moved wednesday this week
I'm gonna go out in a limb and say living out middle school fantasies is never a good idea
The great thing about vietnam is that if I'm drunk during the day people just think I'm being white
I don't think you understand. Its the best fauxhawk you've ever seen. I look like a gay dinosaur.
That's the most beautiful thing I've ever heard. Can I call you littlefoot?
I got drunken sympathy for the whales' plight last night and signed up to give $50 monthly to Greenpeace. Calling to cancel was worse than the hangover.
Hear that? That's the wail of a dying whale. Murderer.
I ran into a hotel and told the doorman he was doing a great job. That was before you cried on my jacket.
I got slapped by a drag queen and bitten on the arm by either a random girl or a weird mouth shaped dog. Tough to tell without seeing the teeth
Just so you know, I woke up with 2 oven mits in my bed and no clothes on.
I cannot lay down. I will throw up my life and your life and the class hamster I had in third grade.
It's a sad day when ur phone automatically updates u on Thursdays that traffic is normal and how long it will take to get to the bar
That's fucking great actually
Randomize
