you can still come hang out if you want
I really don't feel like watching you play video games
see... this is why i put birth control in all my friends drinks
wait.... you do what?
proudest moment: just made a guy walk into a parked car with his mouth hanging open cause of the shirt im wearing.
Ah I wish I was there to nurse you then clean up your piss-filled water bottles
for some reason the bedside piss missed the water bottle today
why the fuck does my google maps say i'm in punjab?!?!? u think it has to do with like...outsourcing?
I started drinking at 10.30am. Ive got a solid buzz, ive decided holidays are to be treated like gamedays
He got arrested in front of the church last night. Looks like we need to find a new location for the wedding.
In the sauna. Drunk. When I close my eyes I think I'm a dog. Is that wrong?
I was wondering, is there any way to hook up a lawn hose to a keg?
You stole a fry from a complete stranger. He wasn't happy. Then you said fuck it and stole the whole poutine and ran down the street while he stared in shock.
Apparently I've told this bouncer I stalk him on Instagram 3 times. I should stop drinking. I only remeber saying it tonight. early sign of Alzheimer's
someday i'll meet a man and who loves me as much as i love getting drunk and starting fires
at this point I think you're judging my taste in men
I swear I'm not
It's okay, I'm judging my taste in men
I've got a tequila scented hand sanitizer for you.
you're the best roommate i could ever have.
My boss walked into my office and gave me a toothbrush and tips for dealing with sex hair. She knows what’s up
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