I think my guts just had a chinese fire drill
Last night after we fucked, I washed my vag in vodka so I wouldn't get an STD
Or, you could have used a condom
We found your brother, passed out, floating in our pool, with a bottle, on a blow up mattress. How did he mange to walk 2 blocks and get into our backyard?
He bought me a pink rose and a Plan B. I really like this guy.
Jumped in the kebab van and said he was Ultimate MasterChef. Incurred wrath of six angry Turks. I got free chips.
I don't want to talk. I just want to motorboat those tits
we drunk the bar out of liquor so the guy was selling us bottles of wine for $2a each. Only good thing to come outta this flood
i dont know whats weirder. that i told him he stabbed me in my dream or that he told me i wasnt the first girl to tell him theyve been killed by him in a dream
Jesus horatio Christ I forgot my mittens and am considering shoving my hands down the pants of the first semi attractive man I see
I got picked up after "I just threw up in my face". Then I had very specific instructions involving the bathtub.
75% of my food budget goes to wine, the rest to chips and salsa.
My grandma just invited me to gate crash a funeral for the free food. Priorities.
This drunk girl kept yelling for water so I dipped a cup in the toilet and gave it to her. She was thanking me all night.
I shouldn't have to tell you to stop throwing knives at me.
I've got a surprise in the fridge when you get back.
Is it a puppy?
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