So called my VP's house on Sunday drunk and told him that if he didn't hire me for the new position I would skull fuck his wife. They asked me to go home today. Thanks again Vodka
My mom just informed me that my dog licks their toes while her and my dad are having sex. I'm apartment searching.
I woke up at 2 in my clothes with a defrosted steak in my pocket, no drinky this week at all.
Just fucked my roommate on the first night of our 12 month lease. 2010 will be awkward.
If I could have all the money back from the pregnancy test i've bought- I could buy myself a vacation.
Or a large amount of condoms?!?
It sucks..Now I'm depressed because appearence wise, she's the closest to my favorite pornstar I'll ever get..
So then I proceeded to the kitchen to make my "specialty," which consisted of a frozen veggie burger topped with peanut butter. I guess he ate it too.
I FEEL LIKE I CAN TAKE DOWN A FULLY GROWN MOUNTAIN LION WITH ONLY A POINTY STICK OH MY GOD
When you can pee with one hand accurately while texting, you drink too much.
I'm really hot. went tanning and this cheeseburger shirt like isn't breathable
It was like something out of a fucked up fairy tale. He just crowdsurfed over to her while riding a keg, said "come sail with me", and then the crowd carried them off into the night. What.
Wine is the only reason I'm making it in the real world
I just threw up in the bushes and my gardener started clapping...
Oh, did your mom say anything else about my butt?
We couldn't find her anywhere. Finally, I saw her sitting in my bathroom floor spraying hair mouse into her mouth and whispering "I fucking love whipped cream." WHAT DID YOU GIVE HER AND CAN I HAVE SOME?
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