i woke up with my moms heels on underneath your couch cushions
you want 1 or 2 eggos?
so I have this game called 14 beers left. and we both have to drink 7 before we leave
I don't remember which guy I met at the bar is coming to pick me up. It will be like my birthday surprise.
How can he have such a manly penis and baby hands?!
You just kept walking around saying "my brain is soup" then sat on the kitchen counter washing your feet. You bit the guy that tried to help you down
Just keep my face away from hard objects. And by that I do not mean erect penised.... those are totally fine. It's more just things like rocks, table edges, blunt objects, etc so I don't get another concussion.
I found him stumbling up to our building with a solo cup under his arm. . . He told me it was his favourite thing ever. He also told me hes never been drunk before.
i feel like i should invite him over so he can cockblock my roommate one last time before he graduates. for old times sake, ya know
I know that we've never been that tight but I want you to meet my cat before I move.
Just saw the trailer for Spike Lee's version of Oldboy. They filmed a lot of it in A's building so like every scene features a place where I had or almost had sex. If oral counts then pretty much every scene.
We watched the first ever season of SNL and fucked for so long. He accidentally punched me in the face, but I mean, John Belushi was the background noise of our sex. I can deal with it.
We work out, have really intense sex, and then eat cereal marketed for children. We have a system, okay?
No more twerking this week. I think I dislocated a boob.
We left Waffle House and he took off running five miles down the road saying we were "training for the Olympics." And I mean, I couldn't leave him out there like that...
He deliberately gets me high because he knows I fuck better and then I make food for two. I don't know if I should feel mad or proud of him for thinking that far.
Randomize
