so then you didnt wanna fuck tonight right?
oops, you werent supposed to get that until you left.
So when exactly did I get naked and makeout with the statue?
Yeah we had sex for the first time last night and all the text he sent me afterwards said was “heh”
How the fuck did I get small bruises all over my body?
Well you were laying on the couch naked after the girls left, staring into space, and I went over to the pool table and threw every ball as hard as I could at you from point blank range . You didn't flinch, blink, or scream for any of them. next time maybe you won't fuck my girl while I'm taking a shit
words of advice: black light parties reveal cum stained clothing.
I think I wrote "thanks for the free alcohol!!!" in their wedding guest book and I'm almost positive I signed my name
She had me dip my balls in cake batter ice cream from cold stone and then tea bag her. Let's get weird just got a whole new meaning.
I just look @ having a child spit on you as another form of birth control. I think my ovaries just tied themselves in a knot.
I want you to come over here and spit coffee in my mouth like a momma bird feeding a baby bird. That hung over.
Based on the grey fur I pulled from my teeth, I think her vagina has mice.
Reached a new low last night. Passed out. With my pants down. On the toilet. At ihop. Waitress had to wake me up.
He woke up, yelled "RALLY!" and then puked in my glove compartment
Btw had an awesome time last night. Found some blood on my shirt and ear but I'll chalk it up to the tequila shots.
Sitting in my kitchen at 3am, craving dick and eating peanut butter instead. I'm not sure how I feel about being 27.
Don’t listen to me, I’m walking around wearing nothing but rave bracelets and headphones shouting “yeeeeaaahhhhhh”
Randomize
