He's at the gym. He likes to get high and swim cause it makes him feel like a fish.
Somebody was walking their dog with their car. seriously
you think that next time i come over to do this you can pick up the condom wrappers you used on the other girls
Please don't let me drink ever again. I apparently told him he could stay but as there was no room in the bed he'd have to lie on top of me and he'd need to anchor himself on with his penis so he didn't fall off.
She thinks I should try and corrupt him and take his virginity. While I do love virgins, I'm a little too lazy to put in the corruption effort right now. That's a summer kinda job.
he has this weird thing where he watches me pee
k. The important thing is we are going out. You are stones. I am mildly hallucenating.
I just bought a bong from a hot dog stand.
The only people who will bring me pizza or tacos want a commitment and I'm hungry for food not their love.
Probably yeah. I mean maybe one day we can be those friends that hang out naked. Not awkard at all.
Who told you that acid and Jurassic World was a good idea?
dont remember, but I'm pretty sure I was convinced that the hybrid dinosaur was satan the whole time. It was actually very spiritual
I just watched some kid bang his girlfriend and I was like whatever I'll just sit here and do all your fucking drugs that's fine
There is a wine bar at this airport that it is currently full of mid-40s women reading their Kindles. I'm attracted to all of them.
It's 11 A.M.
You know what, I think I will
i now regret my decision on turning down your offer of sex in the backseat
Oh? And how would you explain this to your kids?
"Well pumpkin, when mommies and daddies have loved each other so much for a really long time, sometimes they trade off with other mommies and daddies"
Randomize
