i'd rather walk the sahara in a snuggie with no water than take a bicycle cab
I saw him at work today and he gave me a really awkward "I know what you do drunk" look...
I like waking up with a slight hangover cause I'm dehydrated and it makes me feel thinner.
Any particular reason you put 2 smashed up limes in my back pocket last night?
do you ever facebook stalk someone so much you think their inside jokes are yours?
you told me heaven would be the 3 of us at Moe's forever and every hot girl that walked in would ask us to play stone face
Doctor took one look at my penis and said, 'you don't have herpes, you just masturbate too much'
I got us a lift home. Payment may require me giving road head, are you cool just chilling in the back seat pretending to be oblivious to this happening?
Lots of alcohol last night skiing this morning = me throwing up off chairlift
I just won a riveting game of "who can drink the most vodka out of a hollowed out watermelon". Fucking New Yorkers.
I told him he could fuck me once he could grow a beard. Never expected seeing him ten years later with a goatee and a great memory...
I went in the closet and cried, then the bathroom and cried, and lastly he showed me his penis and I cried. It was a weird night.
Was there a condom involved? Because he was saying he wanted a kid. Repeatedly.
I will rip it off your body in ways are socially offensive but you still kind of like.
He just got home after serving 5 years in prison. And I think I may courtesy fuck him. Best Christmas present ever.
Randomize
