my friend just told me "I dunno what u r doing but keep doing it cuz it makes u look fabulous"
LOL that's cool. Guess u r gonna have to keep doing me
if i get killed by an online date, its your job to tell my parents that we met at church
also. he gave me a foot massage during 69ing when i got a cramp. he's a winner.
Nothing is more awkward than taking a dump while someone is crying in the bathroom.
They can be so fun, drunk bruises are like clues to the treasure of what actually happened last night. "why do I have a bruise on my belly button? oh right. i was trying to turn my stomach off so I would stop throwing up."
Ugh why does it have to be margarita Monday. Why can't it be pants off dance off beer pong but with jager Monday.
I will not be a drunk bitch. I will not be a drunk bitch. Chanting this until it's second nature.
Drinking in moderation can be fun. Drinking in moderation can be fun. Chanting this until it becomes true.
So apparently nutella and chocolate body paint aren't actually the same thing.
I still don't like him. I'm also filled with alcohol, so I'll revisit the statement in the morning.
now that we broke up we are playing hot potato with the cock ring.. Poor thing just needs a home
The cop took you back from the hospital and the lady at the front desk said "how are you doing cal?" You said "how do you know my name?" she responded "you're the only person i've ever seen that can throw up in your back pocket." Skills dude.
he walked off and puked in the sand. then he made a sand castle over it so that "it wouldn't upset the kids"
He's a douche. But I like the way he chokes me.
remind me again why we thought drinking hungarian moonshine was a good idea
Last time we had sex i was dressed like a ninja turtle and someone else was in our bed, so this time should be fine.
I hope ur kiddin
wish i was
Randomize
