oh my god, i just wanna eat cake off your dick
dude did u upper deck my toilet?
haha like two months ago
i cleaned the bathroom like ten times before i realized what the smell was.....i hate u
What do you call a girl with PMS and GPS?
A crazy bitch that WILL find your ass!
For a day that started with shitting my pants, things turned out fairly well.
So...i'm having a drinking contest, my right hand vs my left, i have a feeling the 24 pack is gonna win
I just wanna not walk straight. Is that too much to ask for?
whenever he tweets that he wants to get blackout it's like a neon sign for "i want to bang you tonight"
I can't tell if my bong is gender-neutral or not
I just sent a bad sext to my sister. There's not even a way to damage control this, is there?
"YOU ALWAYS BEEN A HOE YOU ALWAYS GONE BE A HOE. THAT'S JUST THE WAY IT'S GONE BE." overheard at temple
Was asked out on a date tonight on Linked In. That creepy genius at apple that touched my butt one time in the back stairwell. I thinks it's fair to say I've hit rock bottom.
I woke up with jello shots in pant pockets so I must've had fun
He was like the most intimidating looking guy you've seen in your life except he was really shittily doing the two step
He lured me round with the prospect of sex and then made me proofread his CV and spoon. I fucking hate this guy.
What's that? Is there a bottle of Jack calling me? I think so...
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