: am i supposed to send the mass text 'merry christmas!' to my booty calls too?
we gave some random guy a shot for shoveling our sidewalk.
Theres a dude at this concert at the urinal double fisting beers, taking drinks from both while simultaneously pissing euerywhere. He is my hero
you probably have like 11 voicemails from us, one is us singing my heart will go on while were fucking
Penises. Penises everywhereeeeeeeee. Penis ratio is sooo disproportionate. I can't NOT get laid tonight.
You told the cop at mobil to keep it real and look both ways before crossing the street.
I put you to bed and you would not go unless I let you sleep with the vodka
I'm sorry, the person you're trying to reach is WAYYY too high to deal with this right now.
I seriously want to say to him "Do you know how many blow jobs you could have gotten this summer?"
Right as the plane left the gate the brownies kicked in. I dont think the guy next to me appreciated my engine noises as we took off
How fast can you get here?\nI need to ride your cock into the sunset.
Really I don't care what we're doing or watching. Your penis spends way too much time outside of my body.
2017 is my year to realize stuff. Move over Kylie Jenner
We have an albino peacock in our apartment. It's beautiful.
Scratch it being beautiful, bitch just stole my McDonalds. Call animal control.
Did we kick in my basement door last night?
Yes. I think you actually bought tennis shoes specifically for that application.
Randomize
