True Life: I puke at bars and try to catch it in my hand...then walk away like it didn't happen
oral is when you put your mouth on someones privates and play moterboat or popsicle
We hadn't had sex in so long that I started queefing and then I couldn't stop giggling... I think he's mad.
we need to find that guy that whips out his cock at the bar again
We had a long talk in which he told me he respects me more than any other girl. 30 minutes later, I got a facial.
She uses my penis to point at the tv when we talk about the shows. I love her
It was a new level of awkwardness and terror. The high schoolers you fuck in the summer should never introduce themselves to your mom and godmother
u got into a flexing contest with a dude in bathroom in the mirror at the club
he told me he had a dream that he laid his head in my lap and silently gazed up at me. WHY AM I ALWAYS THE DUDE IN RELATIONSHIPS
This time last year I was crying in a church parking lot without shoes or a bra, so the years can only go up from here
I am all the way hung over and want nothing more in this world than a McMuffin. Happy day after Thanksgiving.
I'm eating a block of cheese like its a sandwich in the tsa line
Maybe you should slow down tonight...
KINGS DON'T NEED ADVICE FROM LITTLE HORN-BILLS FOR A START
I'm not gonna plow a chick in front of her 14 year old brother....
I am real keen for none of this to be taken out of context so let’s just shut it down right now
Randomize
