I got drunk and threw up on a kid at the amusement park. I think they're pressing charges.
Every night before bed, when I used to say prayers, now I just think to myself 'freshman sluts. Soon'
You came in at two thirty, wearing your underwear and a tie then asked where you could find a sombrero and a pair of stilletos that would fit your men's size thirteen feet.
Hangovers were designed by God when he decided that so far he had taken it WAY TOO EASY on me.
She took a picture of me when she thought I was sleeping. I don't know whether to be amused or scared.
Woke up in a kilt. And it's not my kilt. Drinking was a success.
There are 3 guys sitting in the elevator in lawn chairs wearing sunglasses and holding beers. the hallway rugs are stuffed in a trash can. i've never been so glad to be sober.
We didn't have a blender for the margaritas, so she tried to use the garbage disposal and wasted half a handle of my grandpa's good tequila.
I got kicked out of the men's bathroom at the diner last night because i was straddling the sink attempting to pee with pants on. Beat that.
The bouncer was just about to kick Sarah out for getting with this guy 'too physically'. I told him that was 'her style' and he let them stay. Banter.
I just ran your car into a ups truck....but on a up note I have a handle of fireball and breakfast burritos
Do you want to talk about dinosaurs?
My condom drawer is now filled with W-2s and tax return documents. Is this adulting?
When I woke up I was spooning with a block of cheese. Like, cuddling. Me and the cheese we nestling...
its not much but to go through all that to ask for half a balls worth of money was so stressful
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