High as balls & about to be tanning. Helloooo 15 minute vacay.
she told me her two favorite things were grocery stores and dick.
once I found out that a naked stripper wasn't gonna pop out of the cake I kind of just lost interest in the party
By the way, turns out "Danny B" is his penis. Not his cousin. I was right.
The bartender gave me a roll of masking tape so I could tape my heels to my feet so I wouldn't lose them when i went drunk running later that night
I was scoping hash out of our weed jar with a spoon and I realized we need to buy actual utensils. This plastic shit is killing me I've broke 3 spoons
Can I sell my birth control in a yard sale?
You're in a tuxedo, you can pee wherever you want.
I'm to the point that I've had the revelation that its physically impossible for my arms to be attached to my torso.
You kept insisting you found queso that's better than oral sex
We peed on campus in the middle of the tailgate and then hit on a married cop that asked you to stop touching him
Threesomes are not as fun as you'd think. I left with a black eye and I'm not sure who's to blame.
The boob job was worth every penny just to see the expression of pure joy on his face the first time he saw them.
Ah Christ I think I've reached the single life mentality 100%. I just inquired a photographer about a photo shoot with my dog.
I just watched a magician wearing a fedora deep throat a balloon\n
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