I was to big spoon the shit out of you right now
I'm so hungover and dru,k
What a fucking waste of an outfit
my brother is so whacked out on percocet from hurting his legs that he started crying because his belly button was so cute
Hes laying on the floorn in the bathroom telling Jesus to raise the flag
Let's enter the circle of trust. Are we there yet? Ok. If I somehow hypothetically slept with Amandas ex husband...on a scale of one to ten...how bad is that?
I remember nothing of last night, but I did manage to figure out which frats I went to by the trails of straw across campus.
I'm just saying, no one has ever made me laugh or cum as hard as you do. Sometimes at the same time which I didn't know was possible. Is there even a word for that besides love?
My mom has finally acknowledged my soft spot for Russians. Finally.
I quit life. I got pulled over on my way to work and they towed my car and dropped me off at work in a cop car
Grandpa just put 6 jello shots on his plate. My aunt tried to take them away; he flipped her off. Living in the retirement home has hardened him.
You were supposed to be my wingman and all you kept to her friend was "kill it with fire"..
I just used a box o wine to refill a bottle o wine to more effectively drunk clean
I now have a "weirdest thing a guy ever did in bed" story. Cut my fingernails.
Yeah I'm gonna need you to stop it right there.I know this is supposed to be a safe space but Imma have to exit.
The house across the street caught on fire today, Drunk people high centered their car tonight. Looking out my front window I get to watch police chases all the time. I am going to miss this place.
Really dude? drunk texts at 9 in the morning? its wednesday
Randomize