My only options right now are Herpes, Gay, or Vanilla.
I think im in love with that girl with the googlie eyes last night. She was looking in my eyes and at my dick at the same time. we are going out again tonight.
i was so blacked out at my family party.. my mom gave markers to all my little cousins. i was tagged by 5 year olds.
every time you want to hook up with a guy who has a girl friend, i'll just give you a freshman
That was the most comfortable bag of doritos I have ever slept on!
A 300 lb dude in a sundress yelling bible verses while wearing a raggedy anne wig is just as funny as I thought it would be. Thank you san francisco.
using smirnoff bottles as a pillow actually isnt as uncomfortable as you would think
He pulled the washer 5 feet out from the wall screaming about quarters
Every time I roll over in bed I land on a different vibrator. I feel I'm the only one with this problem.
So apparently after I spilled candle wax down the front of my pants, I went to the store, bought condoms, and passed them out to everyone at the bar.
I thought they were lying to me about the condoms, until I found the receipt in my pocket.
Literally the only reason we didnt get arrested was because the cop said I reminded him of Steve Stifler from American Pie
I cant see straight, her clothes are all over my floor and I'm covered in bite marks... No I will not go to brunch with you
What am I even going to do with 20 more jello shots? And don't say give them to the cat
Yeah, oh and the story gets better. His friend was dressed as a christmas tree wrapped in twinkle lights and had to plug himself in the wall all night.
I always knew I would be boring and die in an Uber.
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