I like how you refer to peeing in the car as "super cute"
That was definitely a porn plot just waiting to develop...
I am currently trying to use a tide to go pen to remove the jizz from my backseat, it's not working...
my mom told me that she didn't count me in the census because im a waste of life anyway.
There are bud lights poping out of the zipper of my overnight bag and my dildo almost fell out in the elevator. not professional
Just hit him with your car. I can guarantee he won't do it again.
About to see some guy and give him a glance that tries to express how sorry i am for blowing his friend while he was getting a BJ in the same room
I'm setting a 12:15 alarm for a taco bell run. Be awake or never wake up again.
If I die, I leave all my liquor in my apartment to you. Be a drunk bitch at my funeral. I wouldn't want it any other way.
When a bartender remarks "wow" on how quickly you've finished a drink... Is that good or bad?
Then she looked me straight in the eyes and asked me if I missed my foreskin. Weirdest conversation ever.
I'm not gonna lie, my internet creeping skills scare me. I'm like Liam Neeson in Taken
Dude I bought tampons with cardboard applicators by accident and now I know my vagina hates the 1960s
I just timed my pee with a stop watch. From when the main stream started to ended. It was 45.1 seconds. This is the truth trust me.
Plus he probably didn't want to be at home, alone... Jacking off on the big screen without you there to lend a helping hand. I mean, let's be honest. It's not fun if it's not a little weird.
Randomize
