I'm on that like soy sauce on rice
I've been watching anime, masturbating and eating nutella for three days. I hope she never comes back.
I showed remarkable dignity in such a compromising situation. Except I came off as sort of a blue ball giver.
Do you remember using the heel of your shoe as a shish kabob stick? You offered me some chicken, but I declined.
Next time I say "Watch this" Get me the fuck out of the bar.
I'm pretty sure you thought I could absorb alcohol through my dress
Yeah. I stopped her before she flashed the guy for a free slice of pizza. She called me a gentleman and then before I knew it she was in my bed.
I am literally drinking 7 day old water and looking for snacks in my room so I won't have to go in the hall and see roommate, because we accidentally banged last night. Please bring over some chicken and plan b.
I am. I woke up on someone's front lawn dressed as max Payne also be proud.
Called my house today and my 10 year old brother answered and asked if I was still in jail
Just text him and be like do you want this pussy or not. You have three seconds to respond.
We're gonna have to check the security cameras after last night
It's confirmed. I have two dates on Saturday, and they are both named Mike.
HE'S FUCKING 19 YEARS OLD, HE CAN'T EVEN GET INTO A BAR WITH ME, WHAT MAKES YOU THINK I'LL LET HIM IN MY PANTS?!
He ate me out in a limo while we were driving home. I love bars being open again!
Randomize
