I woke up with semen in my invisalign. My molars were just marinating in it
just overheard a conversation that ended in "and that's what I learned in France" How could that not have been about sex
who knew that if you vomit while skydiving the puke goes up towards the people that are behind you.
I'm crossing my legs while pooping. Taking a shit has never looked so proper.
please tell me you're in jail and for some reason they have wifi
I've discovered the best way to avoid rehab is to not fuck fat chicks when your drunk, therefore delaying regrets and rock bottom
your the Dr. Phil in my life
Today is an unchanging day
It's all fun and games until some random starts jerking it on the deck.
Went outside and he was playing rock paper scissors with a cop over a drunk in public ticket.
How the fuck you gonna play love don't cost a thing in a strip club?
Ah well. Drinking wouldn't be drinking without mystery bruises
Agreed.
We're going as conductors of the hot mess train and nobody rides for free
Our tip jar will say "just put the tip in, see how it feels"
I was jerking him off and in two seconds he went from "oh yeah that feels good" to "what day is Thanksgiving again?" and then back again. Like wtf.
When he mumbled "I can't feel my legs," proceeded to stand, fall over, and just lay there I knew I'd given great head...
We are no longer allowed to make spur of the moment decisions about our love lives
ABSOLUTELY NOT
Haha just talked to the dude you bit on Thursday. He has been growing a beard to hide the bruising....
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