if you really think there are plastic pots safe for the stove i fear for your future landlords.
Just checked my recent transactions online. Between the hours of 1 and 3am on September 30th, I went to 7/11 4 times. Unacceptable.
I told them I was gay and asked them to pass the pie. I ruined pumpkin pie for grandpa.
I feel more comfortable going down on her then actually kissing her.
A beef tasting is not what I needed while hungover
I no longer believe that the road to self esteem is through his penis.
Whatever. I hate you. My vagina hates you. I hope a bird shits on your head today.
After last night, I think I need a service animal to monitor the life choices I make when I'm inebriated. A monkey, or a clever dog. Or a really assertive parrot.
Possibly threw up in my purse last night. Still suspicious of of all actions
dad is drunk and texting us pictures of bread
Crying in Target on a display sofa is normal, right? Asking for a friend.
How'd your date go last night?
Well I blacked out at 1:30 and woke up naked in not-my-date's bed with an uneaten Jimmy John's sandwich.
Are you drinking tequila at 1pm? ...at Disneyland?
When I woke up I was spooning with a block of cheese. Like, cuddling. Me and the cheese we nestling...
I saw that he had a tattoo of a map of New Jersey on his arm, so i slowed down to like 20mph and pushed him out of the car
Randomize
