Flying to Orlando on the 7th is cheaper than the 8th by like three margaritas.
he said I was the best sex he's ever had, handed me a burger king crown and told me to take my walk of shame with pride
noooo, I woke up on his pack porch and the SUN WAS RISING. I saw red lights everywhere and heard sirens so I just ran for my life.
Dude I swear I heard "geet out!!!" when I went down on her. I shouldve listened.
i'm behind the bar giving him a hand job. i need stuff to make my foot stop itching.
okay, this is where i needed to clarify that i was kidding before when i said that jizz helps mosquito bites. but let me know how that goes. for future reference.
he was wearing ninja turtle pajamas and he STILL got laid. who the fuck is this guy?!
You should never talk to him again. Unless its you knocking on the door and punching his dick.
So I'm drunk playing pool in a bar with a guy I arrested last week for a DUI...if he recognizes me, shit's gonna get real.
oh and speaking of men I've slept with. Ryan lost 1/3 of a testicle zip lining
So, I'm drinking, and I put my head down in the table. The cat jumped up to check on me, I have a cat sober monitor.
I wish so many great beards were not attached to even greater jerks. All that face sitting potential wasted. Some of the greatest tragedies of this century.
Pride log, day two. Noticing more bruises and scrapes. Liver functions probably very lowered.
Why are there 17 orders of shrimp lo mein in the bathtub?
The awkward moment when you're leaving the most attractive guy you've ever been with and you're trying not to shit on yourself. Fucking welcome to my life
God knew I'd have horrible taste in men, so made me asexual to ensure I'd never fuck them.
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