I'm pants shitting drunk right now
I really wish I didn't have to wear pants this is ridiculous
when your english prof writes "this was a real good paper" on your essay, you know you're at the wrong college
Let's go free Charlie Sheen and party with him
I legit had to pull him off my car. Then he texted me saying 'take me places.' Shotgun getting that drunk tonight
To be honest i'm almost glad he got arrested. His girlfriend and i kept making out so i'm pretty sure the alternative was a threesome. Now we're just the trashy girls who visit him in jail.
And then you'll find yourself a hot chick and leave me behind with nothing but my back fat to keep me company.
I don't know his last name, but he's in phone as Pat the conqueror.
He fell backwards into a full bathtub but didn't spill a single drop of the beer in his hand. What a pro.
Just went over my top ten highlight reel with that guy I'm fucking. It was like we were sports announcers. But about sex.
Pro tip: if you can avoid puking on your carpet, do so. Cleaning it up is absolutely no fun at all.
Whenever you have to pee or whatever I'll be over here to harass you
He went in for a kiss so I shook his hand instead.
A guy at my table is reading a magazine called "Cheese Connoisseur"
I stopped telling people I'm a pansexual unless they ask first, really tired of explaining what that means.
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