i'm almost one hundred percent positive that i have a warrant out for my arrest in this city. i also don't give a fuck because im drinking TEQUILAAAA
How crunk are you?
I'm a Tom Selleck. Zero being Tipper Gore and max being the Bush twins
it was terrible. i could've done a better job by myself.
i've noticed that whenever i have to ask myself "would i be doing this if i was sober?" the answer is probably no.
Giving the kids Children's Claritin and calling it candy.....Is it setting them up for drug abuse later?
Just quiet vomiting, and in between heaves she mumbled "be the pro"
Dude he's your dog he doesn't love me more than you. I'm just like that cool uncle that takes him to burger king and to see girls.
I woke up with flowers, a tiara & pasta salad in my bed. Tequila makes me act like a fat Disney princess
If you're wondering why you have playpen balls it's because we stopped at chuckie cheese on the way home.
Only in my life does a conversation about Hanukkah lead to sexting
Well, we all woke up in drag with no memory of why we were in drag. On the plus side, this shade of lipstick looks really good on me.
I'm glad we can *facepalm* it together over the married couple we fucked separately.
I looked into this "it's just lunch" matchmaker thing and it was like 5 grand. If I'm gonna spend five grand I'll throw in another three and get new tits and find my own fucking husband.
You're just upset because I have cupcakes and boobs and you don't.
did he think i wouldnt notice the naked girl in the backseat
Randomize
