Segways are the fanny packs of transportation. Useful in some situations, but you always look like a tool when using one.
So the bouncer told me I could leave the easy way or the hard way. I told him I was going to make him earn his 10 bucks that hour.
Apparently you chose the latter.
is it bad if I use the term bowl as a measurement of time, as in how long it takes to smoke a bowl?
I hate the awkward morning-after-I-took-your-virginity conversations.
Dude pussy is like music. For every person who pays for it, there are thousands more getting it for free.
this isnt the first time ive seen her dressed as abe lincoln
Do you think i can prewrite an apology on friday and leave it vague enough to just finish on sunday?
I'm surprised I haven't crapped out a leprechaun, I'm so hungover
Hopefully my orange shoes will distract people's attention from my crippling awkwardness
You're the only person I know who can be puking into a trash can at 8 in the morning in Manhattan and get a date out of it....
There comes a point, as I lay on the floor of the work disabled toilets contemplating catching 10 minutes sleep between chunders, that I wonder if its really worth it
I got sprayed in the face with titty milk and I'm still so traumatized
She's still mad at me for saying she looked pregnant and not getting her chicken nuggets.
PANTIES FOUND
What are you doing tomorrow?
Dude its my bday. Im drinking from sunup til face down. Rinse and repeat.
Randomize
