dude can i febreze my hair or is that slutty?
I wish I could rss feed the hooker ads on craigslist because it looks suspicious that I check craigslist every hour.
i was so high last night while i was driving i felt like i was riding a bike with no pedals
Just watched a porn with the dvd commentary on i think i need to re-evaluate my life
I was so high last night. I wrote a poem about my salt shaker
Dude you have to come get or im gonna nail this 64 y/o woman as repayment for buying me shots of jager
You guys don't happened to be dressed as gladiators, do you?
You kept mumbling that you could become one with the carpet as you proceeded to give yourself the worst carpet burn I have ever seen
my hand froze to the top of can of beer cuz i fell asleep outside. i decided to find a way to open the bottom of the can before addressing my severe frostbite. PRIORITIES!
Getting day drunk before work is perfectly acceptable when its 99 cent margaritas.
I have the relationship skills of Miley Cyrus and I could've said this was a bad idea
she asked me to come back to her house where "hopefully her kids were asleep". that my friend is what i call a dealbreaker
you ate an entire watermelon by using a CD as a spoon, then proceeded to chuck the leftovers at some dudes car...
Dude. Don't do acid and go to Disney on ice. Hear my warnings. That snow monster will fuck your shit up.
Did you get drunk between now and two texts ago?
Randomize
