If I were a boy, I'd name my penis Reptar.
I cant believe that bitch gave me herpes. she said those bumps were just a part of the natural landscape
wait, did she really refer to her vagina as a landscape?
why are you more concerned about her word choice than the fact that I HAVE FUCKING HERPES
I just sneezed and it tasted like taco bell.
I just saw two girls throwing up in the bathroom. they were high-fiving under the stall...
She touched you, you're now contaminated for 48 hours. Please watch out for rashes, hives and STDs as she's known to have all three.
I just used dish soap as body wash. I smell like a dishwasher exploded. isn't the end of the semester fun?
That chick needs a catscan. And fuck it, we're still ordering in a stripper
I can't believe you're trying to guilt me into a blow j because a tornado made you homeless.
Is it working?
Drunk me thought he was hot enough to overlook the fact that he had poison ivy and still have sex with him. Sober me wants to know if you have any calamine lotion.
Left and drinking by a bar by myself. Everyone is in pajamas. I'm in a tuxedo. This is my life.
They actually said and I quote "it definitely looks like your knees went through some over usage"
I wish we knew morse code and could knock to each other through the wall
Fun fact. I am at the police dept. getting served a warrant for unpaid ordinance... and the officer was a one night stand from like 10 years ago.
I thought accidentally shaving off my fingertip while trying to shave my butthole was going to be the most unexpected part of my day, but no
not sure if actually covered in glitter or just drunk
Randomize
