oh my god im such an asshole. i just asked the guitarist of bad religion if he was a scalper.
woke up with peach flovored chap stick on my taint ! dont ask why i know it was peach
It's always exciting to touch a new boob.
Its like im going on a blind date, but ive already had sex with her
whenever music plays i find myself always doing kegels to the beat. its like the new foot-tapping
we saw a llama on the side of the road. That's when we knew everything was going to be alright.
You do realize that you tried to eat the neighbors cat because the dominos guy was 5 minutes late. You would have succeeded if we didnt stop you.
For only eating leftover pizza for breakfast today, you sure do have a lot to vomit up...
i am an animal i am literally locking myself in my house and not coming out for a week i don't deserve to be in public
We had half a pitcher of beer left and he asked us if we wanted a to-go cup. Fuck yeah we want it to-go.
You were mean to me and you broke my heart and hurt my feelings. You dont get to talk to me about Peter Dinklage
I have never thoroughly inspected the geometry of my nipples until now. How do I fix this?
Being hungover in this office is the actual worst. Like they look at me and know I was wasted at 1 am, karaokeing Billy Idol at a gay bar.
They were assless. I wore assless football pants.
Also at one point I told him to say my name and it took him like 5 seconds to remember.
Randomize
