sorry i'm running a bit late. had to shave my brittney...was looking more like rapunzel. clearly i've been having a drought.
everyone has their kryptonite. mine just happens to be 18 year old blonde girls.
I'm in the liquor aisle and a 10 yr old boy yells, "My favorite beer is Corona! Daddy remember when you gave me some on our camping trip?"
Broke up w/ my married coworker...work is gonna get weird.
Ummm I just broke my no puke streak at church
Next time I see you, remind me to tell you how I fell through my attic door and landed on my feet in the garage on the first floor.
Doing tequila shots with my ex to celebrate that we broke up... not awkward at all.
Do I like my job? I just bought 1/2 oz of pot from my supervisor at work. At a discount. And he said, "pay me whenever."
Hey, don't think you remember me but we met last night. I'm conducting a survey this morning its only one question: Have you seen Rob since 1am?
I just want you to know that I think it is hilarious and wonderful that 40s are now your alcohol of choice.
some how during sex we caught an ENTIRE pillow on fire. A WHOLE PILLOW.
I wore my Gollum shirt. It struck up a conversation AND got him staring at my boobs. That's a win-win.
Can you explain the Transformers set up for battle in my living room?
Nah, just stick him in a closet with some cheetos, a blunt and soda. The darkness will calm him down until Mallory can be located.
I feel like my entire body is ashamed of me today
You're a god amongst men today
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