matts gf stood and watched my naked ass gather my clothes off his floor this morning. sweet.
i think my mom watched the whole time
im getting a BJ in a closet
and a penguin just handed me a bong
so. which one of us is going to pay for the neighbors new window? it cracked when i threw the bottle at it but smashed when you threw yours.
vaguely remember the bartender stopping me outside last night so he could pull the duct tape out of my hair
i'm not sure when i reached "slam my own hand in the door" status but my half attached fingernail is not grateful.
I'm going home because your Crackraptor step-brother tried getting his nasty meat hawks in my pants last night.
Yuck. My throat feels like someone chucked a couple of Maltov cocktails down it and finished it off with a super soaker filled with Jameson.
I'm almost too hungover to function. Got into the wrong car by mistake. there was a rotweiler in it. Thank god he was more confused than i was for a minute.
Some nice lady just gave me a beer out of her purse. I love youth hockey
Also I'm at the pub and there are old lady pirates gyrating on a pole. I wish you were here.
Right now, I'm sitting in my room, drinking beer, eating double stuff Oreos, taking bites straight from a block of cheese, and watching Anchor Man 2 trailers. Finals week at its finest
HOLY SHIT. I JUST FOUND OUT THAT THE KARL/RORY BASEBALL FIGHT THAT RORY LOST WAS 2 YEARS AGO TODAY. RIP KARL'S DICK.
I swear to god my spidey sense only tingles when someone’s about to die or you’re being a hoe.
Xanax, wine, and giving the neighbor blue balls. How about you?
Jesus, it’s Tuesday morning! Not back stage with Motley Crew
Randomize
