dear santa what can i do with your candy cane?
I just tried to pick my 105-lb puppy up and accidentally fingered its asshole
There are some things we keep to ourselves Brian
Laughlin, where retired strippers come to die.
the last thing i remember is you screaming lets hunt humans.
just went trash diving in my work clothes for weed. A&E's intervention here i come.
I can do it, this is my punishment and I will accept it, plus id like to see the look on peoples faces when I throw up on them
I have a callous on the palm of my hand just below my ring finger that is entirely from opening so many beer bottles. I'm strangely proud right now.
Alright, text me when you get close. I've got a mustache and I'm ready to get my day drunk on.
Totally. Bang on. He'll be fine. He might cry into your perfect tits once in a while, but that's the price ya pay.
And please let him know I don't normally go off on long rants about feminist theory. That was totally the vodka talking.
he has a party story that rivals our "PTSD- soldier-with-a-knife" party story. I'm pretty sure this is part of some prophecy.
The part of "Dave" will now be played by "Rob." Rob, why don't you unzip and show Dave why that is.
I woke up in some kids room and he introduced me to his friends at breakfast as "Monica" so I just went with it.
the most terrified I've ever been was seeing Danny Devito squirming on the ground in this underwear, covered in hand sanitizer, completely hairless
"Why is there a bottle of Tequila taped to the fan?"
Randomize
