I either just heard my neighbors having sex or she really agreed with whatever he was talking about.
I'm proud of us, I'm cleaning up the place and I haven't found a single beer can that isn't empty.
Someone just uploaded pictures on facebook of you making out with random girls. I'm telling you because I'm assuming you don't remember anything, but the 236 pictures in the album should give you a good clue.
The prescription for my birth control just blew away in the wind on my way back from the health center. It's like god wants me to get pregnant
i have no feeling in my penis or fingers but i think it was worth it
I dont know how to say this. But the hottest girl where im at has one arm.
Yeah dude I should be out of the ER in about an hr. They gave me vallium. Go tell the captain its time to set sail.
i cant wait to be back in my element of drunk, on a barstool, ive missed home
Let me get this straight, you're telling me to lower my standards? Even though last week you told me I don't have any..?
I don't know whether to laugh it off or be pissed at him..I got pulled over this morning leaving his place and the officer thought my hickeys were hand prints around my neck and asked if I needed to be escorted out of town.
I've never been this drunk around this many toddlers
Dont you look at me in that tone of voice
Was picked up in the middle of a bar full of people...apparently I'm not tall enough to reach for drunken makeouts. I'm proud of myself.
OHMYGOD YOU REALLY THINK I'D BE ON OPRAH?!
Just got high with dad
Correction: more high. He's sharing gummy bears with me.
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