my mom just informed me my dog smells like cum
I just saw a girl walking home wearing a tshirt, boxers, and cowboy boots. Thanks for having the decency to drive me to my car.
I'm returning our mountain of beer cans, while wearing a Budweiser sweatshirt. i don't look like an alcoholic.
last thing I heard her say before I passed out was 'this is great. I never get to be the big spoon.'
How is it that lesbians won't hit on me at a gay club, but they'll hit on me every time I go to Walmart?
she had that "i just got used" look on her face when i kicked her out at 5am
Hey had an urgent voicemail from the Illinois national guard....have you been using my identity for your blackout weekend?
Yes and yes
woke up next to the new dishwasher. set the record for banging a new employee to 6 hours...i should be a professional sexual predator
I'm literally taking a shit naked holding a bottle of wine.
At some point, you're going to have to talk to a tree and do what it says
I was just trying to be a good friend but in retrospect I probably shouldn't have pepper sprayed you.
How many fucks given?
0.12846
I don't drink nearly as much when I'm coupled, and that's not a lifestyle I can commit to
Tbh I would eat a grilled cheese off your dick.
He is completely naked, curled in a ball, and rocking back and forth in the shower humming lullabies to himself. This is your responsibility since I'm going to be fucking someone in 5.7 seconds.
Randomize
