he was sending me dirty texts but i was watchin nickeloden and couldnt get into it
im ashamed your my cousin
i had just passed the point of no return when my mom opened my door. I hid my dick and took the porn off the computer in time but i still had to explain my day at school to her WHILE i was jizzing in my pants.
we are learning about oedipus in english. fuck you for making this awkward for me
I walked downstairs and there were 50 sorority girls. I wasn't expecting an audience during my walk of shame.
Omg i either met the gayest dude ever or my next boyfriend
Someone just asked me if ur the girl that fell through the floor. I HAD to say yes.
Haha crisis adverted. Just told my dad I need to bone this guy. Nbd. He totes understands
Nothing is more awkward than taking a dump while someone is crying in the bathroom.
So, I'm about to take my pants off in the Walmart parking lot, when am old lady parks next to me. I'm all the way in the back next to the semis. What the hell?
I said his dick tasted like a Hawaiian Sweet Roll. And then I yelled MAHALO.
Well I can cross 'get my dick slathered in coconut oil while watching the bob's burgers porn parody' off my bucket list.
Can I pee and smoke my bong at the same time or is that like eating on the toilet
I got so drunk I thought my tennis court was a corn field so I laid in it and ate pizza
When the vodka monkeys are playing a drum solo in my skull tomorrow, remind me I tried to sterilize my body from the inside with titos
Remember when you brought a guy home from the bar... to our parents house.... on thanksgiving eve?
Randomize
