do you ever just like the smell of your farts?
how did we ever eat at restaurants where they DIDNT squirt-gun tequila in our mouths?
He's slept with 25.5 people. Wtf is a half?
Do you think my job would send me for a second drug test if i took a whole pumpkin pie to work for lunch tomorrow?
Despite what happened tonight, Im still expecting Jesus birthday sex
He passes out, I smoke his kush. All's fair in love and a disappointing lack of sex.
when you wake up try not to move. we are betting to see if more sprinkles stuck to you or the pong table.
2 more and I will have fucked 75 percent of my acting class. best. elective. ever.
Is it bad if one of my goals right now is to snort blow through a licorice?
Don't answer that. It is bad.
Trumps. I've been wiping my ass with fast food napkins for 3 days.
Yeah, you're right, it's a conspiracy against you. This small tight knit group of people who don't like assholes.
I just tried to order ice cream on my bagel. I think I should just call it
That falls under the "unwelcome penises" category. Also that's definitely a sentence I never thought I would say
It looked like Halloween in bed... BECAUSE HE BIT MY PUSSY AND I BLED ALL OVER THE FUCKING PLACE. THEN HE FELL AND BROKE HIS TOE. AND THEN PASSED OUT WHEN HE SAW ALL OF THE BLOOD.
Currently standing at the bus stop in just a pillowcase and its fucking snowing
Randomize
