who let me buy 6 packs of big league chew? and eat them all? thats not cool
community service is like the breakfast club... except we're all the criminal.
Drunkenly found an error on my bar tab last night. THANK YOU ACCOUNTING.
Why are you covered in frosting?
Friend's birthday situation turned into enlightened cake orgy.
I woke him up and he was mumbling something about it being moist, or he peed himself but it was okay.
We woke up under the ping pong table holding hands.
theres a wall by my room thats like, a prime fucking wall. before i move out SOMEBODY is gonna fuck me on that wall, goddamnit.
I love your family. Oh. And on a completely unrelated note, I know where we can steal a dog.
Seriously! We need to take her a thank you note or something. She puts up with the drugs and the extremely loud sex. She deserves a thank you card.
Sometimes I hate my life and then I remember I live in the WORLD CAPITAL OF RUM
Just did an entire nights worth of bar crawl in an hour. Boom
He wants me to tell you "my boner misses you"
The only times we have to apologize in this friendship is when you intentionally punch me and that's only happened once so it's okay
If you think I'm going to drive 5.5 hours just to bang a guy, you'd be absolutely right.
I broke my dick don't ask me how I need help putting in a catheter so I can piss.
Randomize