I have to start avoiding pregnant women. This is getting out of hand.
just found out my sister was breast fed and i was not...pretty upset about that.
I almost didn't wake up for my first day of work. The 3rd bottle of champagne was a mistake. And the 2nd bottle of wine after that was probably excessive
Funny, I didnt know that facebook statuses were for crappy song lyrics
woke up naked, gf gone. There is a cup of change in the fridge, a bird in the bathroom, and odie is drawn on my ceiling. I live in a non sequitur
Dude between pissing everywhere and all of those frogs, that bathroom got wrecked.
Okay so for future reference and your own safety I should probably tell you that it is not cranberry juice in that bottle on the kitchen table.
Goldenshlager is a hell of a drink. And these are the adventures ur missing out on w me. I gave someone a bath Emily. A BATH.
Awkward
Can't say I wouldn't let it happen again.
Is cat milk safe for human consumption?
I went up by the border of Canada. We took shrooms and went fishing...pretty sure we killed a dragon and ate it for dinner
Let's just says his mouth writes a lot of checks that his penis just can't cash. Don't waste your time.
You know your night is done when the police confiscate your bra at high school basketball game
PS I almost downloaded grindr to see if any guys wanted to buy me chinese food..
When God made him he put all his talent in his dick. What he lacks in brain, he makes up for in loin.
The best thing about last night is when drunk Lauren asked cop if she could smoke a joint in front of him. And next thing I remember she’s smoking weed with a cop. How awesome is that.
Randomize
