remember that time i ran away from the bar and passed out in a street cot?
neither do i
Don't blame the cocaine for your eating disorder.
The pet store wouldn't sell us fish because they said they could tell we were drunk.
When the question of, do you know who's ass has been on the cake you are eating is said... Good or bad party?
If eating a cheesesteak naked doesn't make me feel better, then I don't know what will.
I don't know if I want to live in a world where i can't fuck an exes brother.
We designated a driver... But it was me..... So we designated another driver
I thought my broken hand would put a damper on Halloween, but fake costume eyelashes and hydrocodone are kinda fun at the same time.
I had a drinkin contest with a person that didnt exsist, fuck withdrawl day
Hold on are you sure that we dont have another roommate?
Yes.
OMG MY DAD TOLD ME HE MIGHT DO TINDER
I mayyyyy have moaned a name that wasn't his
When you make me feel sane and well-adjusted, it is time to reevaluate your night out habits. Just sayin'.
Is it okay to mention my ambition to become a supervillian and kill all humans on a first date, or is that a second date discussion?
Everyone is all excited about the iPhone 7 being water resistant and I'm only concerned with whether or not it can be destroyed by salsa or cum
So I lost my dignity between the strip club and your penis...
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