that speech was about as successful as her performance in twilight
you passed out on the bathroom floor with the door locked. we had to break in and no one was sober enough to move you so they just threw a towel on you and stepped over you
We totally just fucked in a closet. These vacations with his family are causing creativity I never thought I had.
OMG A WOMANS PROSTETIC ARM JUST FELL OFF AT BAGGAGE CLAIM
I want to hold her baby but I'm afraid I'll give it a contact buzz
I'm pretty sure blacking out is a coping mechanism.
you know you have a brother who cares when he hands you a piece of pizza before you pass out from too many bong hits
I woke up covered in his pee. And then he poked me on Facebook.
sooo I am sorta kinda using your name as my stripper stage name.
You should kill a bro for me and drag his carcass home so I can study him.
Would it be weird to tell him that on his b'day he's dressing up and we're having weird Jesus sex?
Are the transvestites working the counter tonight? Last time I was there they gave me love advice.
My mom is currently out with her lesbian friends and I'm home alone drunk listening to the Les Miserables soundtrack. WHY DO I FEEL THE NEED TO COMPETE WITH HER?
That's probably when I climbed a tree and told everyone I was an ornament
You shoulda seen me try and clean up custard from an eclair off the floor while trying to pretend to be sober for my mom. Fucking hilarious.
Randomize
