There was a ginger baby in the car next to me. I almost totaled my car into the center divide.
I tried to assassinate the ginger baby
I just saw Sharon Stone's cootch in high def. I think I'll stay gay.
Don't fret. That vag would have consumed a lesser man.
When you consider the sheer number of events that had to occur in order to prevent me from fucking her, there must be a god
He likes bondage and spanking and shit.
Oh, so "normal" kinky not "I wanna pee on people" kinky. I can handle that.
I found you laying in the kitchen with a bottle of vodka and a slice of bologna on your face. You said you were having a spa day.
She's using our floating beer pong table as an air mattress to sleep on.
I found him on the floor in the kitchen eating cheese and tomato. I mean a block of cheese and whole tomatoes, he was alternating. Thats why your cheese has teeth marks.
the bar didnt serve shots so jim ordered us jaeger neat. it worked.
Sorry I disappeared. Do you hate me?
Not at all, did you not hear me clapping outside your car on our way out?
dude i'm so hungover my hair hurts
come home. i made deep-fried hotdogs; don't let me die alone.
I want to share a beverage of the alcoholic category with you, but I'm conflicted about getting out from under my covers.
I made it to work. Still drunk. Definitely pregnant.
would it be okay if I showed up at your house naked? and is your door unlocked?
Randomize
