Oh my god. I think I just sexted my mom...
What?!
Fwd: Ride me, you sleek sleek woman!!!
You can't just send the picture of my vagina back to me, 2 months after we broke up, and make small talk out of it.
come help me. im curled up in the fetal position on the upper floor of the lib. please bring more caffeine or alcohol
its ok. its hell week the lib is a no judgment zone right now
Someone just got kicked out of the mall for being dressed like a giant cat. I feel like this is in your future.
I'm really stoned in my underwear. I probably won't make it to the bar.
Your topless pictures make me question reality
The girl in the stall next to me is puking her brains out, I'd say she had just a good a weekend as us
I gave her some alkaseltzer ad she looked at me lke I was god
Turns out floaties are a great thing after a couple bottles of vodka
My philosophy is thug life and that means never having to say your sorry for stealing drinks off tables
Times have changed. Freshman year I could throw my shirt in a bonfire and still get laid. Now when I puke in my girlfriend's bed on her birthday I'm "an asshole"
Both of us came out of our rooms at the same time in boxers and sat on the couch. No words were spoken.
I'm gonna look back at these days one day and be like "damn I shoulda been turnt but I was in bed instead watching netflix"
I can't hangout tonight, I have a phone sex appointment at 10
I need to stop being so honest when I'm drunk. I got proposed to by a stranger again last night. It's not my fault that I would be perfectly ok making sandwiches and giving blow jobs for the rest of my life.
What's the blow job-backrub exchange rate these days? I've got some killer stress knots
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