I called Tyra Banks a whore to her face. A sure sign I should go home. Instead I went to the gay bar.
The sex toys I ordered are being shipped to my billing address instead of shipping address. Take a guess where they're on their way to right now - my parents' house. And the package has to be signed for so there's no way around it. Fuck.
We were having sex on the balcony and this guy walked by, so drunkily i said "dont move, he cant see us if we dont move."
I will also inform you that stairs change when you change a house. Those hurt.
and i do it all in one night. I'm like santa but a whore.
she chugged a bowl of salsa and then gave my ferret weight loss tips. she's like my fucking spirit animal now
Yeah I don't even know dude. This shit has reached new levels of ridiculous. Let's hope baby Jesus gallops down a rainbow on a sparkling unicorn and wills that bitch clean. I think that's the best chance we've got.
Has my life seriously led me to day drinking on a Monday the third week of the semester?
It's after 5, it's not day drinking.
We peed on campus in the middle of the tailgate and then hit on a married cop that asked you to stop touching him
Would I be a horrible mom if I got a babysitter at 6am so I could go get laid.
Never ever make a tattoo bet. I now have a shamrock on my dick.
I convinced her that there were two p's in Chipotle - the 2nd one was silent.
Sorry I crashed a riding mower into your garage door. No hard feelings??
I didn't realize how much I relied on you for a reason to drink on tuesday
I think my dick has healed enough that we can start having sex again
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