I had sex with billy mayes last night. HE KEPT IN CHARACTER THE WHOLE TIME.
you made wolf sounds and yelled "team me" the entire movie
dude she has hot friends.. do you want blonde brunette or red head.. maybe asian?
what is this build-a-bear? .. just gimme one thats breathing
you sat up and said "i'm the worst kind of roommate, the drunk kind"
Mom just texted me to see if it was you who was streaking at the Mariner game... Did you accept yet another $1 bet?
Someone asked me what I was drinking, I was drinking rum, but I was also eating starbursts so i told them "daiquiris"
I just accidentally hit share on pornhub... Probably the scariest moment of my life
He must have sensed I was about to trade him in...he's really stepped up his sex game
yesterday you declined a drink because you "didn't want to be responsible for it" ok kanye...
Just got 20% off at the liquor store. How you ask? I asked if there was an "I got divorced today" discount.
Would giving a bouquet of flowers to my mother be a good way to say, "sorry you walked in on my boyfriend eating me out"?
Swimming turned traumatic when grampas shorts slipped off..
It occurred to me today, whilst I was on the phone to boyfriend number 1, whilst in the car with boyfriend number 2 who was dropping me at the shops to meet boyfriend number 3 to help me buy a present for boyfriend number 4 that I should be having much more sex than I am.
I just had a man tell me he was going to think about me when he was fucking his wife tonight. This is my proudest moment as a gay.
Gameplan: If the cops show up, find a potted plant to hide behind... It's worked before!
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