Dude I just heard my boss singing from the bathroom "I love making poop"
I'm not really that drunk, but I think vampires should glow in the dark because otherwise it's just unfair
Found more tequila
She pulled a cheeseburger out of her purse. I have missed her so much.
Ur keys r in ur purse. ur purse is on the couch. ur cigs r on ur front seat. u drank all ur wine. mollie took ur jkt bc u cockblocked her. and in case anyone asks, the saints won 31-17.
Agreed. Everyone should experience a blackout before 3pm in their lifetime.
i was calling myself "cat the lion" and tried eating the computer mouse because i thought it was "my prey"
According to google history I spent most of last night trying to buy an elephant.
I just threw up in the bathroom next to the zebra exhibit. The kids don't know I skipped a beat. Best nanny, ever.
I started rolling down the window so he pulled into a gas station and i puked all over the side of the car while some dude stared at me. I waved and we drove away
No one is allowed to go to bed until all bottles are finished, I don't want to feel my face tongiht. Do you understand?
Your text makes more sense read in reverse.
You might have to deal with a coked up ex pan American gold medalist wrestler when you get back to the room
That's probably when I climbed a tree and told everyone I was an ornament
I opened my bookbag to put my laptop in and I found two granola bars and a pregnancy test. I am clearly prepared for life
He was like "why do you look so cute today?" and I said "I showered" and he laughed. I wasn't making a joke
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