I just got a drinking merit badge from a slutty girl scout
We were drinking cognac with TAB. I felt like trailer park royalty.
You were in my dream and you got the lyrics to lollipop tattooed on your chest. Don't get it, it wasnt that cool.
you never realize your highschool teachers are real people till you fuck one of them
I woke up with someone else's vomit on my ass. That's how I'm doing today.
I swear if she asks me for a baby one more time I'm gonna sleep with one of her friends
We are, if nothing else, classy enough to leave our 10 mini bottles of wine in a polite line on the floor of the movie theater.
Trying to ignore the fact that a kid I hooked up with twice just gave me spare keys to his house ... and car.
She unfriended me four minutes after we fucked. That must be some sort of record.
What, so now you are his nutritionist and his fuck buddy?
You peed all over his floor and had a bottle popped in your ass when you passed out. Don't tell me I'm "still living in my college days"
It finally happened. Some guy just tried to catfish me with my own dick pic. Of course I told him that it was the hottest dick I'd ever seen and that I would do anything for that particular dick.
Took it for the first time last night, and i saw a giant pillsbury boy coming after me with a wrench in his hand.
He howled at the moon then told me that if i were a dog he'd have sex with me...either i look like that girl or i need to stop going on blind dates. Period.
You literally snort drugs up your nose and you’re questioning the brand of the multivitamin right now?
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