I'm too scared of my Fleshlight to even use it anyway.
the clerk said it was the first time she had ever seen someone walk in the next day to return the tux still wearing the tux
You totally drew a penis wizard on my closet that says "I travel for cock rock"
I blacked out, started puking and peed on the guy I was hooking up with. Mid hand job.
How old are you? 14? Who gives hand jobs anymore?
Salt in an open wound right now.
having someone tell me to "prepare my vagina" is not really something I want to hear..
I found him down the block clinging to a light post laughing and crying because a house "looked like it had buck teeth"
It's not my fault you have a job and can't get drunk on Tuesday's. Don't take your frustrations out on me!
He told me I was his first American. I feel like I should've brought a flag to plant on him.
Well she started to strip and when she slung her hair at me, she painted my face with sweat. A LOT OF SWEAT. It was a weird boner.
Because everytime she talks to you she goes in her room and plays Come Sail Away on repeat. Can't take this shit anymore Jake
meanwhile at my house I found 2 bud heavys in the back of my book shelf crammed between a Franklin book and goodnight moon
She has the best kind of daddy issues
Also, what day were you thinkin we should trip balls at the children's museum?
I'm basically cruising around listening to 90's gangsta rap with my meatball sub telling people to go fuck themselves
She’s a Vegas 8, which makes her an Oklahoma 27
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