friends with benefits? more like friends with awkward sexual tension
im in class. still drunk. wearing one sock. eating a breakfast sandwich and trying to make sure this bottle of whiskey doesnt fall out of my purse in front of my professor
I just figured out that you can toast a marshmallow with a butter knife and a cigarette lighter. I'm like a retarded Mister Wizard
I'm sorry about your car but on a brighter note I did wake up in my dorm. That's something right?
Fuck you.
He got about halfway through singing "Drift Away" before he passed out and broke my coffee table.
We should tie ourselves together anytime there is any type of alcohol involved. It's the safest way. I either end up with freshmen or weird ex bfs. You end up with a large cowboy. This is not good for us
I don't have any money, so I'm just gonna press my boobs against him for his birthday.
You don't know how badly I want to just hold you as a soup spoon holds a bisque
No offense, I mean I'm sure you rocked my world and all but I don't remember.
You would seriously think I would remember who put themselves in my phone as Burt Rynalds Moustache, but I don't. And I need to be reminded of who you are so I can give you a proper high five.
She said she was hoping I'd be hotter. I told her I didn't see anybody standing in line to titty fuck her either. She was a great kisser.
He finger blasted me like an angel dude
She wouldn't fuck me because I had a cast, so I took her friend home
Woke up in the hospital naked with my id's taped to my chest. Also apparently puked on two guys, two girls and an escalade (at the same time). Good night.
He lives in a tent in my ex'd backyard. Why the fuck would you want any of that dirty dick?
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