The highlight of my Saturday night was singing along to the sound of music alone in my room.
I don't remember coming home but there is cereal EVERYWHERE
i woke up this morning next to my toilet covered in an attempt to make blanket of toilet paper
Two questions: what are you doing RIGHT NOW? and do you know how to drive a golf cart?
She called him at 5 AM so that he'd be ready for her birthday breakfast and drinks at 6. This is why people don't need to wait until their 21st to have their first drink.
And I would just like to take the time to say my boobs look great today.
I swear to god, if you fuck the hot one you're paying me back for the shot I just bought her
I imagine my service panda will provide sufficient protection. At the very least it will be an irresistible cuddly distraction while I make good my escape.
Basically she credited me and my dick pic for boosting the moral of all the Safeway workers
She asked me to dress as captain planet for halloween and told me she was gonna suck the pollution out of my dick.
I’m going to try to be less of a cryptic bitch this week. Should be nice.
He literally just made me hold his dick while he peed cause he wanted to know if I could aim as good as him
Well I've consulted some psychics but they keep saying all they hear in my head is screaming and all they see in my future is pool noodles and cheese dip?
There's a fine line between kinky and serial killer
I need something that says "I'm gay sometimes but I feel scorned by my straight, non-committal lover, so I'm here to get drunk and make out, and possibly end up in a bathroom with someone who's name I won't remember tomorrow"
Randomize
