my dad is drunk dialing our relatives who are stuck in a blizzard asking them to pick up sun tan lotion for him cause hes too drunk to drive to the store.
nothing says "we're all in this together" like the herpes she passed around to our entire group of friends
She thought someone was breaking in but when I said it was me she got even angrier and threw a coffee mug at my head.
Because you know it would be fucking amazing to get trashed and shatter the dreams of 12 year old girls. I might get a shirt.
she used teeth so i didnt tell her when i was cumming ...........dont get mad get even
So we reenacted men's olympic skeet shooting using roman candles and flattened beer cans. That's all
I think now I understand why people say my penis is pretty.
I'd rather be sodomized with a fullly decorated Christmas tree.
I just explained my sex life to the "if you give a moose a muffin" book... Is that weird?
You having your own car has severely reduced the amount of blowjobs I get.
he just used a semicolon in the middle of a sext
I feel slightly un-patriotic right now... I just got cock blocked by the Air Force!
sex on acid sucks though, i want to connect with the universe not your dick.
U sent me lyrics to wind beneath my wings
My liver misses your liver
She’s super into those renaissance faires. But, if you can’t actually stab anyone, what’s the point?
Randomize
