I'm half single.
Please tell me it's the bottom half.
you got kicked out last night because right after you said "whats up?" to us, you downed your whole vodka ton and threw it across the bar.
I don't think he's ever woke up with a paraplegic stripper sitting on his face before.
I am getting my wife a tattoo just above her butthole that says, "For entry just add tequila."
I'm pretty sure there was a language barrier but he knew what "harder" meant.
On the bright side his mom approves of me. Though it's apparently because she sleeps with married men and has a soft spot for "fellow homewreckers"
Watching porn with a bag of marshmallows. Thats when you know you're stoned.
I think I kinda scared him when I told him if he premature ejaculated I would punch him in the throat.
She told me she was eating frosting, then I got the weirdest boner ever
I JUST MADE OUT WITH A BRITISH SOCCER PLAYER. LONG LIVE THE QUEEN. GOD BLESS THAT COUNTRY.
My 12 o'clock class is an all star team of my ex's hook ups
yeah im watching him make his speech now. cant take him seriously tho. hes talking about funding for education and all i can think about is how ive seen what he looks like wearing womens underwear...
We grabbed as many adult diapers as we could and made a run for it.
I just kept thinking.. Holy shit. We're fucking in my front yard.
I woke up on the green space outside our dorm cradling a watermelon and sucking my thumb. College is crazy man.
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