so i was eating a special k bar this morning for breakfast and started choking on it so i reached into my bag for water turns out it was liquor.
We just used hot candle wax from our joint lighting candle to make a bunch of new small ones how stoned are we
She is a social worker. An actual good person trying to save the world. I feel like every time I give her an orgasm God wipes a little smudge off of my shit list.
Yes, that was ME getting carried out of the club singing 'i believe i can fly'
i am going to show so many millionaires my nipple
'Well you know, stuff happens' isn't really an excuse for sticking a cheeto in my ear
P.s. remind me to tell you about the porno that Paul envisioned starring you. It's wizard of oz themed.
I woke up with her dog licking the wedding cake out of my ear and her sister finishing our Jaeger
Given he decided my interview was a date, showed up drunk and insisted on carrying me everywhere, we weren't off to a good start.
It's just not a Friday night unless I'm getting propositioned by a guy in a wheelchair via Facebook messenger...
Drunk logic "let's go outside in front of the bar to get sick"
It's Breast Cancer Awareness Month!!!! What random hook up should check my tata's this year?!?!
Leave it to me and my dad to puke on the same guy at the same bar 25 years apart
CUM CAME OUT OF MY NOSE. MY SINUSES ARE ENTIRELY FUCKED UP NOW BC OF THE CUM TRAVELING IN PLACES IT SHOULD NOT HAVE.
I think i got beer on your cat.
Randomize
