She invited me to an Eagles game, I mean that is almost better then if she told me she could only function with large amounts of semen in her system at all times.
batman tramp stamp. Dibs.
they got in a fight during sex...she came out yelling and covered in chocolate
he kept his composure pretty well until he puked on the cop car
I'm at a party with half naked strippers driving in a little kids battery powered mustang around a stipper pole in his bedroom
He says I tipped the waitress ten dollars because she "smelled like pigs in a blanket."
Apparently, I showed up wrapped in caution tape and immediately jumped on the stripper pole and started making very sexual gestures at the birthday girl. We lasted ten minutes.
UPDATE: WE WILL BE HITTING THE BATMAN PINATA WITH A SWORD
It's the building I live in, they were lucky I was wearing clothes at all
Im hitting on this chick at a stoplight when all the sudden. i notice this chick blowing some dude in the backseat.
Guys always stop talking to me right around the point that if they bought me food a couple times I would probably have sex with them.
When you wake up to a porn star on your couch telling you, you better tell your boyfriend about last night.
I need to start journaling my drunk thoughts. Drunk me is fucking brilliant & sober me is missing out.
I'm definitely drunk. At the gyno. On my birthday. Life is a joooooooke
I just don’t understand what sort of USPS worker wants to take my unitard and sex toys.
Randomize
