I had a dream last night that Anthony Bourdain gave me a vibrator.
How creepy of a mustache can you grow by wednesday night?
i feel like this needs to be a 'lose some teeth' kind of weekend.
sitting in my room in a shopping cart. they couldnt get my legs out of the holes. i want breakfast.
Pretty sure the girl next to me in Chipotle just came out to her mom.
Just threw up. It looks like I may have swallowed a cigarette.
See, the Lortab wasn't working enough, so I thought "hey, vodka can speed that up! That's how science works!" Which probably should've been my indication that the Lortab was in fact working
I'm just chillin on the bathroom floor
Haha oh no
The bathroom floor is like my second bedroom on the weekends
He looks like he was the one that always had koolaid stains around his mouth as a kid, he can fuck off.
Accepting his friend request would be the Facebook equivalent of pity sex.
You should feel special! You're also the only person I've ever punched during sex
I had a rough night. I'm just gonna lay here and masturbate for a while before I have to go adult.
god i just can't wait for finals to end so i can just masturbate all day and night
So you completely disappeared from my memory last night at about my 15th Jager bomb. But only you. No one else.
I'm sitting in the car vaping at an elementary school to try and deal with the stress of existing. About how i thought being 30 would go for me tbh
Randomize
