Last night this chick queefed when I was going down on her. Thinking if you! xo
I think I just agreed to be an escort for an Asian guy who's gonna be in the city next weekend before he moves back to Shanghai...
She found 60 bucks at the strip club. Its probabably been in a vagina but really most money probably has
knew i was gonna lose at a shoe or be bleeding at some point. and both happened within 20 mins.
I guess birthday shots aren't always the answer
I cannot be with a girl who won't let me come home on my lunch break, eat spicy ranch and watch Breaking Bad without pants on. #lesbianproblems
Its like drunk me is Oprah except instead of a car everyone's award is seeing my boobs
No other awkward car ride can beat the one you give your drug dealer home.
Wanna get mid day margaritas tomorrow if I'm still alive
Don't Richard Nixon her vagina
alright well you definitely hurt his feelings though you told him he looked like he was going to an Amish community prayer meeting..
Let's just say if my bucket list had "fngered in the middle of a club by a complete stranger while being sprayed by UV paint" then that is well and truly ticked off.
I can't really text bc it's too expensive but I thought youd like to know I just shit myself in a gift shop.
I was watchin a porno and I sware I saw that dude at the bar at applebees the other night
PROBABLY?!! And here I was, about to buy you a glow-in-the-dark banana-flavored cock ring... Now I "probably" won't.
Randomize
