Umm went to talk to a client ended up seeing his semi erect penis. This is my life.
Her underwear doesnt even match. If youre going to be a face book whore at least have matching shit.
I am telling you that nothing wakes you up like stomach acid exiting your nostrils at 10AM
As per my father's affair, married men are no longer off limits.
i woke up the next morning in a pool of blood in my bathroom and a pinata donkeys head in my bed
so much for an anticlimactic 22nd birthday
Drunk puking in my bathtub has plugged it up for the third time this year. I hate these calls to my landlord.
I hate it when fuck holes buy me drinks at the bar. You don't know my order. You don't know me. You don't know where I've been. You don't know my life.
Totally. Bang on. He'll be fine. He might cry into your perfect tits once in a while, but that's the price ya pay.
I am about to embark upon a south Boston wedding....
Hydrate.
We bought only tequila and Twister. And you're STILL surprised you got pregnant?
Yeah I don't remember how I got home last night
Judging from my pants, I embarrassed myself smh
Grab some lube and condoms and you get a free shirt? College is weird
He fingered me to the beat of the Fresh Prince theme song... it was pretty fantastic.
I have no idea, I usually just project my awkwardness out like a mating call until it draws other awkward members of the opposite sex out from the bushes
When we were finished she immediately got up, cut a star out of a piece of paper, colored it gold, taped it to my chest and deemed me the Sheriff of Sex.
Randomize
