Jon and Kate are totally playing with my emotions.
i mean i care more about their marriage then my own parents
can you take me to a tanning bed
sure, why though?
i have to go once so i can blame these herpes on the tanning bed and she won't get suspicious
just realized the sink is the perfect height to piss into never cleaning the toilet again
If they made snuggies with a sleeve for my morning wood, id consider buying one...
My roommate still talks on AIM. What is this middle school?
All she said was "the usual?" and unzipped my pants.
I know its hard to believe that I'm already drunk at 12 p.m. but I am, so dont call me asking to go to the gym.
I don't mean to complain but you could have done a better job of keeping me alive last night
My fridge broke, and apparently the back is missing. The repair guy just fixed it with a pizza box. I didn't ask where the box came from, but it wasn't mine. Reason #20 why rent is cheap.
Forgot my sound was off and didnt even realize it until halfway through because I thought I could hear it. I think high me just narrated half a clip of adventure time
So I told him it takes a lot to get me drunk & he said he was the heavyweight champion in college. We high-fived. Obviously I'm the favorite child.
If the river was whiskey, it would be the best river ever.
One does not fall in love, one falls flat on the their face after leaving a bar
Our prom king just sent me a dick pic. I know it's 10 years later but I feel like I've finally made it.
Don't worry dude, I've created a sex logic bomb to stop that sort of thing.
Randomize
