i just pooped in tubberware. not a proud day
So I ate yogurt with the back of my toothbrush. I feel like I've officially been initiated into college.
I am so high I am beginning to unironically like Vanessa Carlton.
There's a girl at 7-11 apologizing for her behavior and asking if she can get her shoes back.
You made a "martini" bagel. Took a bagel dunked it in vodka and put olives in it
i just remembered the time you guys tried to give me an intervention because i was drunk before 5 on a monday
I don't know what happen last night but the fact that it's 9 am and I need to put my dick in something means it didn't go as planned.
We're not in high school anymore. I'm not going to pretend to be impressed as he butchers my favorite songs on his guitar. I just wanted to get laid.
Maybe STDs were invented to keep stupid people from having kids.
He keeps texting me videos of fish swimming in his fish tank, so I think it's safe to say he's back on weed.
Just caught myself checking an online porn site while in a strip club. Might have a problem.
She's cool and all but if she eats my food again I'm gonna fucking drop kick her ass. No one touches my lunchables. NO ONE.
Nothing says you made great Saturday night choices like someone's dick that you don't remember, poking you in the ass Sunday morning.
Acid king. Jackson puked a lot. Promoter booth. Angry security. No acid. Probably a good thing.
When I went to pick up Adam from the train station, I found him passed out, covered in gold paint and wrapped in a red blanket. someone had glued a gaudy green rhinestone to his forehead. He looked homeless.
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